21 November - Baby Mary 2 Years gone but not forgotten

Last week Saturday was our first baby girls 2 year anniversary away from us. It was a day I never fail to think about from the moment I wake up, till the moment I fall asleep. Thankfully, I kept myself busy all day and didn’t have the time to feel sorry for myself. Not that I want to forget my baby. But I feel the pain every single day. There is no use sitting and crying and depressing myself more.

I remember going to DrF my gyne on Tuesday 20th of November 2007 cause I saw a thin streak of blood in my discharge. After doing an external scan, he said nothing was wrong. I then put a speculum to have a look, and all I remember is he looked up at me with wide eyes and shock in his face. He went on to tell me I was 1cm dilated at 17w. He called for a wheelchair to take me to maternity ward and scheduled to have a rescue cerclage placed at 12pm the same day. When I came out of theatre, I remember him telling dh that in those few hours, I had already dilated 10cm. He placed the cerclage and said everything went well. We were waiting for my cervix to start closing on its own to perform another cerclage latter and keep it nicely closed.

The following day, Wednesday 21st November, I felt like a big gush of discharge came out while I was in the trendelenburg position. After wiping with a tissue, I saw LOTS of blood. I called the nurses to call DrF. He told them to tell me to relax and that there isn’t a possibility of anything going wrong as the rescue cerclage went well the previous day. Needless to say, after a few hours sitting there and bleeding, the nurses where just reassuring me. DrF arrived in the evening after all his consultations and requested I be brought to the room with the sonar. After performing the sonar he said my amniotic membranes where protruding, and that it was just a matter of time before my membranes ruptured. Well that part of what he said was true. Within half an hour I felt the big gush of amniotic fluid just rush out of me. I was rushed to the delivery room, where DrF arrived once again to examine and give instructions. The nurses took over and told me to push, and after a few failed attempts, they stuck their hands in to try and pull the baby out. Eventually after a couple of minutes trying, they manages to get our baby out.

Even though she was small, she was perfect in every sense. All her features, eyes, nose, lips, fingers and toes where just PERFECT. She had her daddy's long toes and fingers. We named her Mary and she was stillborn at 10:48pm weighing only 155g at 17w.

After that, due to the huge amount of blood loss, I was rushed to the theatre where DrF came once again to remove the placenta and perform a D&C. The next couple of days I was in limbo land. All I remember is refusing a blood transfusion, so the specialist came and prescribed an iron drip to help increase my iron levels.

DH and I went through so much pain the next couple of weeks. It’s so hard seeing your husband crying because of the pain you caused him just because my body could not keep our baby in and keep her safe.

Two years since this day, the pain has not gone away. But it has definitely become softer and easier to deal with.

Baby girl, we will remember you every single day of our lives until we meet again. Love you lots Mommy&Daddy.